Monthly Archives: August 2012

Last Moments with My Dad

Sorry this post has taken a long time for me to write. It’s precious to me and I wanted to make sure I was able to get everything down.

If you keep up with my blog or follow me on Twitter, you know that my dad passed away..

Saturday July 7th I got out of the pool to see several texts and missed calls from my sister. My cousin called her saying that my dad was in bad shape and if she wanted to see him that she needed to get there soon. With that, I left the pool, showered and packed like a maniac.

It’s a 3 hour drive to my hometown from Atlanta and I actually got pulled over and was given a ticket. Exact reason I don’t like cops – he asked why I was speeding and I told him my dad was dying. He asked a few more details and I was given a ticket. As if I wasn’t already hyperventilating, when I got back on the road I had the ugly cry.

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Sunset driving home

Luckily I made it to my dads in enough time to spend a full week with him. This was him the night we arrived. He would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.

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One conversation that absolutely cracked me up was one that he had with one of his sisters with my cousin {her daughter} and myself in the room. My aunt told my dad that she was going home since he had two helpers. I guess he got offended by this because he said, “Why?” My aunt told him that John {her husband} was home. He responded with, “So?!” She reassured him that she was going to come tomorrow to see him. He told her, “If you’re not going to come until 5PM, don’t bother!” hahahaha! I get my non filtered mouth from him.

That was a rough week! Luckily we were able to get away at times. Dealing with your dad close to death and your crazy family is a lot to take in.

We had a neighbor bring us figs! Too bad I didn’t get any.

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One day we had to leave the house because our family was driving us crazy. We wanted to go have some wine but the main restaurant in town was closed. So we opted for the gas station. We drank in the car at a park which happened to be right outside the sheriff’s office. Ha!

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Another day we had to go into town and stopped by a local farmers market for some boiled peanuts. Mmhmm!

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During the week we spent as much time with him as we could. It was hard to get alone time with him though.

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Me holding his hand

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Nic holding his hand

The one time we were left alone to take care of him we had a bit of an accident. He was being stubborn per usual and wanted to turn over. He kind of laid in the bed funny. Nic and I just laughed to ourselves. Typical that he was being stubborn and we didn’t quite know how to help him get to the position he wanted.

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One of my favorite moments was when we laid beside him in his bed.

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We had a lot to take care of during that week. We found out that he had signed his house over to us in February, we changed the car title over, picked out his coffin, picked out flowers for his blanket, decided on music to play with a slide show of pictures for the viewing, and found poems and songs to be played at the funeral. Some of this was done after he passed. We were just going through the motions.

You could see a noticeable difference in him daily. One morning my sister and I woke up hearing him in pain. He hated staying in his bed so he liked to walk around even though it took about an hour for him to get to one end of the house to the other.

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When we felt overwhelmed we would walk around in his yard. He had a beautiful yard.

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Two days before he passed I was sitting beside his hospital bed in the house talking to him. During those two days he was not talking and would only make noises when he was in pain or say water. I was holding both of his hands and told him that all I had ever wanted was for him to walk me down the isle. At that moment he squeezed both of my hands and I bawled.

One day {I keep getting my days confused} a Hospice nurse came by and gave him a bath that morning. He pitched two fits to take a shower that day. He told my sister and I that his mind was going because he kept getting confused. That broke our hearts.

I remember us sitting on the edge of the bed with him as he shouted he was angry and punching the bed with his fist. It’s so hard to see someone you love feel so helpless and miserable.

After that we went outside to sit on the front porch. While we were outside it dawned on me that he would be passing on the 13th. He had mostly been in his hospital bed {minus the fit he threw to shower}. He was too weak to walk around and move a lot. By that point we were praying for him to go because it was obvious that he was in agony.

When the Hospice nurse came on Friday I asked her how long she thought he had. She told us she thought it would be within 24 hours. I stayed by his side all day after that, talking to him and holding his hands. While my sister was the more emotional of the two of us, I had many moments where I broke down and leaned on her.

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Last time I saw my dad

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He was so thin and frail. The red coloring on his legs was from the foam under the sheets.

Late in the afternoon my sister knew I needed a break. She took Bentley outside for me while I used the bathroom and fixed a glass of sweet tea. As I walked by my dads bed to go outside I noticed he looked at me and followed me with his eyes. I said to myself, “Did he just follow me?” I thought that was odd because he had been asleep most of the day. I joined my sister on the swing. She asked me at one point, “Why is it so pretty out here and so ugly in there?”. Not even 5 minutes later my cousin motioned for us to come inside. He was gone.

One memory I’ll never forget was when we made everyone leave the house so we could have alone time with him after he passed. We held his hands and talked to him. All I wanted to do was lay my head on his shoulder. {Which was how I felt all week but he was so frail}. That week and day I replay in my head every day.

For him to have passed on Friday the 13th was typical of him – he loved messing with people and joking around.

My sister and I were not close with my dad. As I’ve said before we always wanted the doting father but because he didn’t have one growing up, {we assumed} he didn’t know how to be one to us.

In the week we were at his house, we spent a lot of time with him. We were able to have conversations that we had never had with him. I think we both realized a lot of things ourselves in that week.

We had several family, coworkers, and friends tell us that not a day went by that he didn’t talk about us, and how much he loved us. That blew our mind.

One day while we were walking in his yard we thought we would cut 3 flowers from his yard to cheer him up. Two of them started dying. The last one was still in one piece the day he passed. After he passed I noticed the bottom petal had fallen off. Very symbolic.

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This is the sun from the front of the house the day he passed.

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The sun was very bright and hot the day of his funeral.

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Sun setting the day of his funeral

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My Dad’s casket was very pretty. It was pecan wood and it had a little drawer for family to put notes or pictures. My sister and I both wrote him a note. His flowers were gorgeous. We had 5 roses cascading down the front to symbolize Nic, me, and her 3 daughters.

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While the funeral home did a great job of filling my dad out, he didn’t look like himself to me. He looked like some man I’d never met.

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On the day of his funeral we had two poems read and two songs played inbetween speakers.

My poem:

My Dad, My Angel

© Jamie Cirello
Your battle is now over, no more tears flowing down your cheek,
no more pain, no more suffering, now you are no longer weak.
I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad.
Although you will not be here to walk me down the aisle,
when that day comes I know you will be by my side with a smile.
You were always there for me and never once made me cry,
until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye.
Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
please wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.
Our time together was memorable and God took you way too fast,
but the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,
and me being there for your last.

Song: Carrie Underwood – See You Again

Nic’s poem:

I Love You Dad

© Diana Doyle
I love you Dad with all my heart
And hate that we should be apart
Our love is a bond that can’t be broken
You may be gone, but never forgotten

I remember the day you went away
The pain in my heart is every beat
But I know that eventually, one day
We will, once again meet

The loss is something I can’t describe
I’m really going to miss you
One day I’ll be back by your side
So I can hug and kiss you

There are no words to tell you,
Just what I’m feeling inside
The shock, the hurt, the anger
One day, will gradually subside

Things will never again be the same
And though I’m hurting quite bad
I will smile whenever I hear your name
And be so proud to remember my Dad

Sleep well darling Dad, forever in my heart and my thoughts.

Song: Steven Curtis Chapman – Remembering You

A few weeks later I returned to his house. I was driving in and out of heavy rain – the kind that you drive 30MPH in. Once I got out of it I noticed that the sky was SO blue. You can’t tell much from the picture but there was a light blue line behind all the blackness.

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A month later, the sunset from his yard.

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Family pic of us

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Pic from Christmas 2011

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Thank you to everyone who has sent my sister and I kind words and prayers. It has meant a lot!

The Kind of Love I Want

Last Friday I watched Oprah’s Next Chapter interview with Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher. I’ve always been a fan of Carrie’s, but even more so now. She and her husband have something special. Something I want. Something I’ve never had. Something I know I deserve.

Here is the first part..

Fall Fitness: When the Bikinis Are Put Away

A few months ago I had the opportunity to meet Sarah while she was in town. She is such an awesome person that I asked her to guest post for me a few days ago. Here is what she came up with.

 

Hey there Life in Heels readers! I’m Sarah and I blog over at Simply Sarah. Let me start off by saying that in exactly 1 month, V and I will be reunited once again! Ahh I cannot wait!!! 🙂


This girl is awesome. Seriouslyyyy! She sends me random pictures on my way to work. {most of which are in reference to the IQ of said mr. lochte} Anyway, when she asked me to take over for her today, I was thrilled to do so!

Fitness is a good part of my life and today I wanted to talk about staying fit throughout fall.

Let me be totally honest for a sec. I had a love/hate relationship with the Olympics this year. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was in the gym every morning at 5am. I was eating pretty healthy and was feeling good about myself. Cue Olympics. Staying up til 1am almost every night does not make it easy possible to get up in the morning. Sooooo workouts took a hit…..and I just started back up in the gym yesterday. I’ve got 2 weeks until I have to bare it all in a bikini for a bachelorette party so it’s crunch time…literally!

After Labor Day weekend, I will officially be in fall mode. What does that mean, exactly and how does that even relate to working out? Well friends, let me just tell you.

helloooo things that are going to try and make me fat. So how do you stay motivated when the bikinis get put away and the comfy sweaters come out?
Well first, you can scroll down the fitness page on Pinterest and see things like this:

this shirt

via

via

via

via

Motivated yet?

Then it’s time to get some cute workout clothes. I mean, if it helps, it helps…. 😉

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Get yourself some good music. My top 5 songs to workout to are:

1. On to the Next One- Jay Z
2. Scream- Usher
3. The Fighter- Gym Class Heros
4. Learn to Fly- Foo Fighters 
5. Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites- Skrillex

Figure out ways to make your favorite treats a bit healthier. I love cooking and I really love finding ways to make what I love a little better. Even if it’s just switching out white flour for whole wheat flour it makes yourtreat justifiable 😉 And it’s totally fine to indulge in those pumpkin spice lattes or pastries… gosh knows I’ll definitely be doing so! Just make sure not to make those a daily occurrence.

Well girls, that’s all I’ve got! Thanks for having me and thanks again V for letting me take over!! xoxo.

Funnys

This convo happened with my sister a few weeks ago..

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Geeez!!

This happened a few weeks ago and I thought it was funny so I thought I’d share. Makes me sound rather dumb but I think it’s funny!

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So then I show my sister the convo and she says..

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Friday’s Letters

Dear Friday, I adore you.

Dear cheese tray at Cafe Intermezzo, I will see you this weekend!

Dear small town where I got a ticket, F.U. I was speeding because I was told to get my booty to see my dad bc he didn’t have long. The fact that you’re making me pay a total of $500 is REDIC. And take a driving class? I WAS SPEEDING.. not selling crack or murdering someone!

Dear money, I love when I see you a lot. Preferrably in my account.

 

 

Dear Bentley, You are so fat! haha Sorry for leaving treats in my closet and not closing the door!

Dear Family, stop being so freaking CRAY CRAY!! KTHANKBYE!

 

I also decided to do this fun little post that I saw on Lauren’s blog.

1.  The best thing to do on a hot day is day drink at the pool, nap, then go for a light dinner and ice cream.
2.   The best place to be on a hot day is the beach.
 
3.  The best thing to eat on a hot day is  cold fruit, or a cold fruity cocktail.
4. Hot days can be miserable at times.    
 
5. My go to uniform on a warm summer day is  as little clothing as possible! Tank, shorts, flippy floppies or wedges.
6. The scent that reminds me of summer is A&F Classic perfume (apparently they don’t sell it anymore, sadz!) or D&G Light Blue.
7.  My favorite thing about summer is the long days and nights, being tan, cold drinks.

Apologies

Such a great song.

SHARK WEEK!

If you live in a bubble…

ITS SHARK WEEK!!

Every one loves Shark Week!

One of my favorite movies..

My favorite vlogger…

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Break

I’m one of those people that always listens to lyrics when a song comes out. While lounging at the pool completely alone, blasting my music, songs that I’ve sang a million times made me stop. It’s funny how events in your life make you aware of things you normally pass by.

“I let it fall, my heart, And as it fell you rose to claim it, It was dark and I was over, Until you kissed my lips and you saved me, My hands, they’re strong, But my knees were far too weak, To stand in your arms, Without falling to your feet.. But there’s a side to you, That I never knew, never knew. All the things you’d say, They were never true, never true, And the games you play, You would always win, always win

When I lay with you, I could stay there, Close my eyes, Feel you here forever, You and me together, Nothing is better..

I set fire to the rain, And I threw us into the flames, Where it felt something die, ‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!”

B.o.B. – Airplanes

“There comes a time where you fade to the blackness, And when you starin’ at that phone in your lap, And you hopin’ but them people never call you back.. But that’s just how the story unfolds, You get another hand soon after you fold”

“I thank God I didnt get what I thought that I deserved. Sometimes life leads you down a different road, When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go. Someday you’ll see the reason why, Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye.”

One Month

Today marks 1 month since my dad has passed. I’ve heard people say that time makes it easier.. Right now I don’t agree with that at all. Maybe once a few years pass?

Last night as I was saying my prayers I got side tracked like I always do. One thought leads to another and before I know it, I’m thinking about my dad. The day he passed. {I realize I have yet to publish the whole story, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go there yet}. The day he passed, seconds before, I was sitting with him holding his hand. I think I had just had “the ugly cry” from thinking and talking to him all morning. I walked outside to meet my sister and I saw his eyes follow me. That was a little odd, because moments before he was asleep. He had gotten to the point that even when he wasn’t asleep, his eyes were closed. Right before I walked out the door I thought to myself, “Did he just follow me?”…

Moments later he passed away.

annnnd that’s the stuff I think about as I’m trying to fall asleep. Somehow I rallied and didn’t cry last night, which was a miracle.

Leaving you with one of the songs that was played at his funeral..

Today

Today has been crazy. Not the good kind either. I’ve done nothing but sleep all day and yet thats exactly what I want to keep doing.

I miss my dad and sister. I think I miss my sister because we spent such a long time together before my dad passed. My emotions are bat shit crazy. I “broke up” with this guy I had been seeing. I have faith that I did the right thing. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. In the end it will all work out. After all, I knew deep down he could never give me what I dreamt of.

I asked my sister to come see me soon and literally cried when she said she couldn’t. Clearly I am a ball of cray cray emotions. Not okay. As I type this Bentley is laying on my chest licking the air. He knows his mama is sad. So sweet.

Ugh my head is killing me. Not sure if it’s sinus pressure or just all my emotions. I have noticed a change in the weather. I’m suuuuper excited for fall, but not excited bc that means I will get a sinus infection. I did turn off the air in my place today and I’ve been wrapped in 2 blankets, socks, long stretchy pants, tank and a hoodie. Hello, Fall!

I realize this post more than likely doesn’t make sense. Just wanted to get my thoughts out.

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Tan in a can

My friend Hailey mentioned a scent less tanner that she loved a few months ago so I knew I had to try it.

It’s by Sun Laboratories and it. Is. Awesome. You can buy it at Amazon or Bed Bath & Beyond. It comes in a lotion and a mist spray. If you buy the spray be careful to not get too close! No one wants baby carrot toes.

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Beauty Tip: Luxurious Lashes

Lashes not looking as long as they used to? ZigZag the mascara wand at the base of your lashes. Mascara at the lash base makes your lashes look their longest. via 

You can aslo try L’Oreal Paris Double Extension Renewal Serum. The mascara is a 2-step mascara that gives a multiplied lash effect and up to 80% longer-looking lashes.

 

OR 

 

Armani Eyes to Kill

 

 

Hair Cut

I blogged about my new hair people a few weeks ago. I love them! I think I am going to go shorter on the 15th. What do you think??

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That would be Rachel Taylor if she looks familiar to you. I love the side swept bangs.

Fall

Is anyone else ready for some cooler weather? I was in the mall last weekend when I was home and I noticed several stores had out all things fall.

I am dying for all of this!!

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This black wire pumpkin with fall smelling potpourri is so pretty!

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How pretty would this be in a tall vase?!

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This wreath would look so good on my front door!

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I’m not usually one to go all out with seasonal decor, but these salt and pepper shakers are too cute!! All of these items are at Hallmark.

Best Sister Ever

I have the best sister ever. Not just because she buys me things… Okay, that too. But seriously? She really is awesome. She gets me better than anyone and I can give her a look and she knows what I’m thinking without saying anything.

A few weeks ago I told her I wanted some gold balls TWSS and she mailed them to me!

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Here they are on!

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The past month we have really needed each other. I’m so glad that we went through ups and downs together. I can’t think of a better person to spend that time with. When she couldn’t stop crying, I made her laugh. I’m sure I annoyed the hell out of her at times but I wouldn’t trade this last month with her for anything! Oh and she also gave me these Stella & Dot earrings bc her ears are too sensitive. Win!

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Thank you for being born awesome! I love you!

Pool Party

About a month ago Sara and I went to a pool party. A fun, charity pool party slammed with half naked bodies. It was $10 to get in and they raffled tickets out for gift cards. Along with all of that there was a dj, kegs, watermelon, BBQ, chicken fights, hula hoop contests, etc. It was such a blast and Sara and I got a ton of color!

Here are the only pics from that day. Clearly I was more focused on my drinks.

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Loving Bentley

I am obsessed with my dog baby. See?

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Fridays Letters

Dear blog readers, I am still working on a few posts. I’m a month behind.

Dear family, my dad would roll over in his grave if he knew you took the money he left us and moved it to your account. You will pay!

Dear work, Thank you for keeping me busy.

Dear B, Please don’t lose your hearing!! Hope it’s just a side effect of your infection.

Dear weekend, I am so ready to do nothing!!!