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Thoughts and Prayers

I do my best praying and thinking in the shower. Depending on my day, I take a shower in the morning and one at night. Tonight after working out, I started thinking about God and why things are the way they are. Let me see if I can word this..

There’s a particular situation that I absolutely do not understand. Most of what I don’t understand are the feelings that I have. Do we actually have control over our feelings though? Which is probably the main problem. I am a control freak. I can’t do anything about the situation and it’s in the past. It hurts and makes me sad. All I have are the make-me-want-to-vomit feelings. Literally sick to my stomach. WHY? I don’t want to. I want to not care. Yet I do. A lot.

In the shower I started thinking, that’s your problem. HELLO! You’re a control freak. You need to let go and let God. Only, where and how do you begin? How do you change the pattern? Which lead me to thinking, why didn’t God make it easy? On the flip side, if he made us all perfect, what would the point of everything be? Everything as in, life, Jesus dying for us.. Why can’t we all just be happy and healthy and worship Him? That probably sounds really stupid but that was really my thought process. Can you tell that even when I’m praying I seem to get side-tracked?

I’m not sure if it’s my age or what, but I’ve started feeling ..empty. I think maybe that’s the best way to word my feelings. I’ve started to realize that just praying is not cutting it. I’ve actually read a few blogs in particular (Bloom, The Little Things We Do, and Butler: Party of 2)  that made me think, wow they are so into their relationship with God and you can tell. That’s definitely something that just praying is not doing for me. I downloaded the YouVersion Bible App that Kerri mentioned in her post. I think this should help me tremendously. I think that daily devotion is a good start for me.  It’s not fair for me to ask God to bless me with all these things that I want in the future (husband, family, etc) and only interact with Him through prayer. I figure I have absolutely nothing to lose. I mean, I want to feel joy too! That’s the one I am starting with – A Jolt of Joy. There are several others that caught my eye, but I think for now I need to stick to doing just one.

One Response to Thoughts and Prayers

  1. I meant to comment on this when I first read it, but life got in the way. Thanks for being honest and speaking from the heart. I’ve followed you for years-and what a transformation we’ve both been through. I think we could be the same person-except I’m 5’8″ and brunette. We don’t know each other from Adam-but I am proud of you. Proud of both of our growth. #sentimentalhogwash blah, blah, blah right! ha!

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