Category: cocktails

Three Ohhh

My 30th didn’t start out great.

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Let me back up by saying that M accidentally emailed me Sept. 30. He sent a reminder for my birthday instead of an invitation when he set up his Google calendar.  So, that was fun.

See, logically I shouldn’t think about him or talk about him or miss him. I do though. I find myself saying things like “well Matt used to do X that was so funny” or something like that. When I tore him a new one emailed him around Easter, I purged everything. I was hurt to the core, and I let him know that. So why aren’t my head and heart on the same page?? That’s an excellent question. One I pray about daily.

I can deal with my feelings, but having him contact me is an entirely new level of confusing that I can’t wrap my head around. Of course all the old feelings came to surface, and I let him know. He said I mindfucked him. Because I woke up that morning knowing he’d email me..

As I was driving home from my picnic with the bestie for her birthday, I saw an email from him. My first thought was OMG STOP EMAILING ME REMINDERS!! Then I realized that it was an actual email he typed out. I read it, picked my place up a bit, got ready for bed, and then figured out my response. My response received no response, which I think hurt more than the initial email.

I woke up on my birthday confused and sad. As I was thinking about things tears streamed down my face and I began praying again. Why can he affect me this way? Why am I not over this already? What is the bigger picture here? What am I missing? PLEASE show me what all this means because I can’t take this back and forth limbo anymore. It’s very frustrating.

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I started cleaning my place up for company arriving later and took things to storage. When I took a break from all the cleaning, tears streamed down my face again. You’re not supposed to cry on your birthday! I decided I would not let it get to me and it would not ruin my birthday, especially my 30th. I’d already had one ex ruin my 21st. I began cleaning again and around that time the bestie showed up. Thank God for that angel. She brought me a mini cake and some champagne for us to toast to. I gave her a hug after she put her stuff down and she told me NO TEARS! Not anymore. I love that she gets it. She gets the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the whole picture.

After the toast we got lunch, got a mani/pedi and our hair done. What a great way to spend your 30th. Being pampered with your best friend. After getting our hair done we headed to my place to get ready for the evening. I planned a small dinner with close friends, then dancing. I have never had so many people flake out of plans in my life.

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The older I get, the more I realize who I can and cannot count on to be there for me. In the past I have allowed myself to become upset when I realized I couldn’t count on someone. I’m not sure if it’s an age thing or everything I have been through in the last year, but recently I have had the whatever attitude towards people when I realize that I can’t count on them. I tend to hold my friends to high standards. Maybe those standards aren’t necessarily fair to hold people to. Because of these high standards, I have been able to weed out the people that I don’t need in my life. I recall a convo between M and I from years ago.. He said he always thought he was a good friend, but since knowing me, he realized I was a GREAT friend to my friends and that he could be a better friend. I pride myself on that. If we have a connection and you need me, for something big or small, I am there. What ever gene that is, I’m glad I have it. I think it makes me a better person.
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I love birthdays, especially mine. I love all things that go with it, celebrating, cake, friends, dressing up, etc. I originally started out with 10 people coming to celebrate my birthday  with me. Minutes before dinner, there were not 10 people. Maybe I should gift some Emily Post books for Christmas? It was actually me, Ashley and a guy she worked with that I’ve met once. Major props to him, he barely knew me. I had two more friends that joined me afterwards that couldn’t be there for dinner due to scheduling. Where the rest of my friends were, I don’t know. The people that knew it meant a lot to me showed up, and I truly appreciate that.

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I just wanted to document my milestone birthday.. Here are some pictures from my bday.

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My office sent me flowers on Friday. They care!

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Saturday night. You can’t tell in this pic, but I figured my 30th was the perfect occasion to wear my Louboutins.

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Making fun of Ashley for how she was posing in the first pic.

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G and me

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Me and Ash

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Obligatory shot. Ugh, I’m so not a shot girl.

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G, me, Ash and Laura

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cake!

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Blowing out my candle

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I was taking a pic of Ash and my friend Nick photo bombed the pic. Hilarious.

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Laughing with Laura

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Hilarity

March Bucket List Completions

Go to the movies alone

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Have drinks at the St. Regis

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Eat at Tomo

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Buckhead Starbucks Serving Wine

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Say what?! Two of my favorite things in one place? Yep! While flipping through Simply Buckhead I came across an article that said exactly that! The West Paces Ferry location is one of the first stores worldwide to offer a new “Evenings” menu. The menu consists of gourmet bites and alcoholic drinks. They say it was chosen because of its location and flexible seating options that accommodate larger groups.

I can see why they picked that location. If you don’t know much about Atlanta, West Paces Ferry is where all of the high-end real estate is located. It’s even home to the Governor’s Mansion.

 

Christmas

Hey guys! I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Mine was nice and relaxing. I baked a ton of goodies for a few friends and mostly relaxed. Here are the cookies I made.

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Soft almond sugar cookies via

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Pudding Cookies via

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White chocolate topped gingerbread cookies via

and

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Christmas meltaways via

For the BF I made whiskey salted caramels via

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Everyone loved the cookies and caramels! I took a few of each to work because I had a lot left over, even after I sampled each. One note on the pudding cookies – that recipe will make about 5-6 batches. I highly recommend either freezing half or cutting the recipe in half.

Along with all the baked goods the presents I got for each friend I decided to wrap with some good old Pinterest inspiration.

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Most of my packages looked like this..

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via I changed this version up by using brown paper packaging and red ribbon. The custom made initial cards turned out really cute!

On Friday the BF and I had our Christmas. The original plan was to meet up and exchange gifts and have dinner. He surprised me with a text earlier that day asking if I wanted to get a hotel room for the night. UM YES! YES I DO!! I met him at the hotel around 8 and he had champagne, my favorite flowers, and caramel truffles waiting for me. SO SWEET!!!! I was blown away. I’m one of those girls that loves romance and sweet gestures, so he definitely earned a ton of points with this one.

We exchanged gifts, ordered room service, had great conversation and even took advantage of the huge tub and shower. It was such a nice stay-cation. I am such a lucky girl!! So blessed.

Bachelorette

I was flipping thru the September issue of ELLE magazine and I came across an article on Bachelorette (the movie). Leslye Headland the writer and director was talking about the movie..

“There’s a checklist by which women should live their lives, so that they’re always defining themselves by what they don’t have.”

How true is that, seriously.

She also says.. “Female friendships are deep and complex, and the lengthy ones are submerged in this dark history. If you’ve been friends for 10 years, you’ve done some terrible shit to each other.”

Kirsten Dunst who plays Regan, agrees, “It’s the part of your friends you don’t want to see. That should be the tag line.”

So true. Have you seen the movie?

STACKED Wines

Happy Friday!!! If this doesn’t get you pumped for the weekend, I don’t know what will. This is so cool. My bloggy friend Urs tweeted about this and I had to check it out.

Per the website, STACKED offers quality wine without the hassle of a bottle, corkscrew, or stemware. STACKED is a bottle of wine separated into four stemless wine glasses. Each glass contains 187ml of wine and a 4-pack has the same volume, 750 ml, as a traditional bottle of wine.

STACKED is the perfect wine solution for ….ANYTHING! Right now they carry Chardonnay, Merlot, and my fav, Pinot Grigio. Genius idea!!

Hitting Home

Last night started out as a girls night. It was a nice change to hang out with friends you don’t see a lot. My friend G brought one of her friends I’d never met. We had a good time while we were out.

As the night was winding down we got on the discussion of family. Turns out C’s dad also died of cancer. We sat I. The car for a good 60 minutes talking about those last moments with our fathers and how painful it was to see them each whither away to nothing.

When I got home I didn’t sleep very well. I tossed and turned until 7AM.

As I lay on my couch trying to finish Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, I came across a chapter about the main character’s dad. She and her dad didn’t have a great relationship because her dad left for another woman. As the main character is at her mom’s for Christmas, her daughter discovers letters that were sent to her from years back.

She finds out that her mom hid the letters from her because, “You would have left me, too. You would have chosen him over me. Him…and her.”

She immediately leaves to see her dad, as he is on his death bed at home, during from cancer. The conversation that they have hit close to home. Too close, as I tearfully finished the chapter.

Life has a funny way of putting things into perspective. The things you once fought tooth and nail for no longer seem to matter. And, the things that mattered, that you didn’t make enough time for, matter even more.

Hell In Heels

Before I start off with this post can I just say that I am SO glad it’s football season!??! Ahhhh football season, when you can pick a bf based on his team choice! Greatest time of the year.  

This past week has been.. interesting, to say the least…

One of my high school friends came into town so we met up.  He ended up telling me he thought we had something. Uhhhhh…no.

A shit show went down between my sister and myself on Sunday.. and one of my exes text me. Didn’t even have the number in my phone and I had to look at it a few times to figure out who’s number it was because I deleted a lot of people a few weeks ago. BTW, HI!

Oh, one of my more proud moments.. while we were at the bar Saturday night, some guy walks up near me – I think to close his tab? – and I believe I am just gawking staring at him. He smiles and I tell him that he is so hot. He came back with, “It must be the glasses.” I was all over it, “Actually, it IS! and the eyes, and the pretty teeth..” At that point he laughs, puts his hand on the back of my head and tells me I’m cute. Damnit! I start searching for a ring – no joke – and I’m like “You must be married” and when I don’t find one he tells me he is engaged. Of course you are. Story. Of. My. Life.

All the guys I don’t want, want me, and all the guys I do want, don’t want me. Sadz.

It’s been a cray week. I’m actually still at work. Ugh. Something is wrong with me.

Here are some pics from the weekend.

me and HS friend.

OH! We were telling people that it was our 21st birthday. ?!

We found these rando glasses.

La La with her drank.

Cheers to 21!

Hmm

GO DAWGS!

Clearly I am deep in thought.

ITS MAH FAVORITE SONG!

Us. Again.

Mimosas and bloody marys! mmmmm

Just making a mimosa!

Last Moments with My Dad

Sorry this post has taken a long time for me to write. It’s precious to me and I wanted to make sure I was able to get everything down.

If you keep up with my blog or follow me on Twitter, you know that my dad passed away..

Saturday July 7th I got out of the pool to see several texts and missed calls from my sister. My cousin called her saying that my dad was in bad shape and if she wanted to see him that she needed to get there soon. With that, I left the pool, showered and packed like a maniac.

It’s a 3 hour drive to my hometown from Atlanta and I actually got pulled over and was given a ticket. Exact reason I don’t like cops – he asked why I was speeding and I told him my dad was dying. He asked a few more details and I was given a ticket. As if I wasn’t already hyperventilating, when I got back on the road I had the ugly cry.

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Sunset driving home

Luckily I made it to my dads in enough time to spend a full week with him. This was him the night we arrived. He would fall asleep in the middle of a conversation.

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One conversation that absolutely cracked me up was one that he had with one of his sisters with my cousin {her daughter} and myself in the room. My aunt told my dad that she was going home since he had two helpers. I guess he got offended by this because he said, “Why?” My aunt told him that John {her husband} was home. He responded with, “So?!” She reassured him that she was going to come tomorrow to see him. He told her, “If you’re not going to come until 5PM, don’t bother!” hahahaha! I get my non filtered mouth from him.

That was a rough week! Luckily we were able to get away at times. Dealing with your dad close to death and your crazy family is a lot to take in.

We had a neighbor bring us figs! Too bad I didn’t get any.

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One day we had to leave the house because our family was driving us crazy. We wanted to go have some wine but the main restaurant in town was closed. So we opted for the gas station. We drank in the car at a park which happened to be right outside the sheriff’s office. Ha!

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Another day we had to go into town and stopped by a local farmers market for some boiled peanuts. Mmhmm!

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During the week we spent as much time with him as we could. It was hard to get alone time with him though.

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Me holding his hand

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Nic holding his hand

The one time we were left alone to take care of him we had a bit of an accident. He was being stubborn per usual and wanted to turn over. He kind of laid in the bed funny. Nic and I just laughed to ourselves. Typical that he was being stubborn and we didn’t quite know how to help him get to the position he wanted.

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One of my favorite moments was when we laid beside him in his bed.

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We had a lot to take care of during that week. We found out that he had signed his house over to us in February, we changed the car title over, picked out his coffin, picked out flowers for his blanket, decided on music to play with a slide show of pictures for the viewing, and found poems and songs to be played at the funeral. Some of this was done after he passed. We were just going through the motions.

You could see a noticeable difference in him daily. One morning my sister and I woke up hearing him in pain. He hated staying in his bed so he liked to walk around even though it took about an hour for him to get to one end of the house to the other.

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When we felt overwhelmed we would walk around in his yard. He had a beautiful yard.

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Two days before he passed I was sitting beside his hospital bed in the house talking to him. During those two days he was not talking and would only make noises when he was in pain or say water. I was holding both of his hands and told him that all I had ever wanted was for him to walk me down the isle. At that moment he squeezed both of my hands and I bawled.

One day {I keep getting my days confused} a Hospice nurse came by and gave him a bath that morning. He pitched two fits to take a shower that day. He told my sister and I that his mind was going because he kept getting confused. That broke our hearts.

I remember us sitting on the edge of the bed with him as he shouted he was angry and punching the bed with his fist. It’s so hard to see someone you love feel so helpless and miserable.

After that we went outside to sit on the front porch. While we were outside it dawned on me that he would be passing on the 13th. He had mostly been in his hospital bed {minus the fit he threw to shower}. He was too weak to walk around and move a lot. By that point we were praying for him to go because it was obvious that he was in agony.

When the Hospice nurse came on Friday I asked her how long she thought he had. She told us she thought it would be within 24 hours. I stayed by his side all day after that, talking to him and holding his hands. While my sister was the more emotional of the two of us, I had many moments where I broke down and leaned on her.

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Last time I saw my dad

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He was so thin and frail. The red coloring on his legs was from the foam under the sheets.

Late in the afternoon my sister knew I needed a break. She took Bentley outside for me while I used the bathroom and fixed a glass of sweet tea. As I walked by my dads bed to go outside I noticed he looked at me and followed me with his eyes. I said to myself, “Did he just follow me?” I thought that was odd because he had been asleep most of the day. I joined my sister on the swing. She asked me at one point, “Why is it so pretty out here and so ugly in there?”. Not even 5 minutes later my cousin motioned for us to come inside. He was gone.

One memory I’ll never forget was when we made everyone leave the house so we could have alone time with him after he passed. We held his hands and talked to him. All I wanted to do was lay my head on his shoulder. {Which was how I felt all week but he was so frail}. That week and day I replay in my head every day.

For him to have passed on Friday the 13th was typical of him – he loved messing with people and joking around.

My sister and I were not close with my dad. As I’ve said before we always wanted the doting father but because he didn’t have one growing up, {we assumed} he didn’t know how to be one to us.

In the week we were at his house, we spent a lot of time with him. We were able to have conversations that we had never had with him. I think we both realized a lot of things ourselves in that week.

We had several family, coworkers, and friends tell us that not a day went by that he didn’t talk about us, and how much he loved us. That blew our mind.

One day while we were walking in his yard we thought we would cut 3 flowers from his yard to cheer him up. Two of them started dying. The last one was still in one piece the day he passed. After he passed I noticed the bottom petal had fallen off. Very symbolic.

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This is the sun from the front of the house the day he passed.

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The sun was very bright and hot the day of his funeral.

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Sun setting the day of his funeral

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My Dad’s casket was very pretty. It was pecan wood and it had a little drawer for family to put notes or pictures. My sister and I both wrote him a note. His flowers were gorgeous. We had 5 roses cascading down the front to symbolize Nic, me, and her 3 daughters.

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While the funeral home did a great job of filling my dad out, he didn’t look like himself to me. He looked like some man I’d never met.

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On the day of his funeral we had two poems read and two songs played inbetween speakers.

My poem:

My Dad, My Angel

© Jamie Cirello
Your battle is now over, no more tears flowing down your cheek,
no more pain, no more suffering, now you are no longer weak.
I still do not understand why this had to happen to you,
but I am proud to say you are my dad.
Although you will not be here to walk me down the aisle,
when that day comes I know you will be by my side with a smile.
You were always there for me and never once made me cry,
until the day you closed your eyes and had to say goodbye.
Now you are my Angel, so spread your wings out wide,
please wrap them around me whenever you see me cry.
Our time together was memorable and God took you way too fast,
but the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath,
and me being there for your last.

Song: Carrie Underwood – See You Again

Nic’s poem:

I Love You Dad

© Diana Doyle
I love you Dad with all my heart
And hate that we should be apart
Our love is a bond that can’t be broken
You may be gone, but never forgotten

I remember the day you went away
The pain in my heart is every beat
But I know that eventually, one day
We will, once again meet

The loss is something I can’t describe
I’m really going to miss you
One day I’ll be back by your side
So I can hug and kiss you

There are no words to tell you,
Just what I’m feeling inside
The shock, the hurt, the anger
One day, will gradually subside

Things will never again be the same
And though I’m hurting quite bad
I will smile whenever I hear your name
And be so proud to remember my Dad

Sleep well darling Dad, forever in my heart and my thoughts.

Song: Steven Curtis Chapman – Remembering You

A few weeks later I returned to his house. I was driving in and out of heavy rain – the kind that you drive 30MPH in. Once I got out of it I noticed that the sky was SO blue. You can’t tell much from the picture but there was a light blue line behind all the blackness.

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A month later, the sunset from his yard.

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Family pic of us

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Pic from Christmas 2011

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Thank you to everyone who has sent my sister and I kind words and prayers. It has meant a lot!