|September 1, 2016||Posted by V under change, cray, dating, friends, living life, M, marriage, music, new ish|
Holy fucking shit. I think I wrote about Adele’s “Hello” when it first came out.
July 8th I was checking my VM. My ENT’s office called and left me a VM. Apparently even if you block a number they can still leave you a VM. So I saw “Blocked Messages 1 >”. I have very few numbers blocked; I think only random people I’m too stupid to give a fake number to, and M. Upon seeing the number, I knew it was from M. He called June 18 at 9:17AM. The day before Father’s Day was the first thing that stuck out in my head, not sure why. There was nothing to the VM, just a tv in the background, and then breathing right before hanging up. Obvi it wasn’t a pocket dial, even though he would later claim it was. I don’t think so, bud. Its virtually impossible to do that nowadays.
I brought up returning his call to one of my GFs and she suggested I reach out and see what it was about. Natch, I did because, have you met met? The most curious person, almost, ever. He was shocked to say the least. We “caught up”. What you can catch someone up on in your life when you haven’t talked in over a year. I think he told me he would call me later to catch up.. Somehow I knew he’d call me back after his dinner. He did and we “caught up” more. He told me there were a few things he wanted to tell me. I knew exactly what that meant. I was very blunt the last time we talked/I texted him. I believe before we hung up he said he’d call later in the week. Obvi that didn’t happen.
I actually reconnected with a guy 2 days later. So random. Then the anniversary of my dad’s passing day came. He finally called one Sunday morning either at the end of that week or the following, at 1AMish. I was cleaning out my closet (hello irony) and texting with the boy and an old coworker. I decided to answer. I could tell by his voice something wasn’t quite right. He asked me to pick him up and my first thought was, oh fuck, he’s in jail.” Nope, just at a bar?! He said he needed a friend, and I’m a sucker, so I picked him up, and he knew I would because I’m such a great friend/person.
On the ride to my place (not many places are open at 1:45AM) I was asking WTF was happening, why he needed a friend, etc. And he bombs me with he was engaged and he/she/they called it off on Saturday. Insert my calm face on the outside, and my WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHY THE FUCK AM I THE PICK ME UP CALL?! Yes those are not complete sentences because my brain was all over the place.
So we talked it out, what little he wanted to talk out. Which consisted of him mostly wanting to hear about me and what was going on in my life.
He did tell me a few things I needed to hear for “closure”. Like how he regretted several things, like never telling me he loved me, not being there for me for my dad’s death, etc. My favorite i think, was that I was the best sex he’d ever had. hahahahaha DUH. Because you actually fell for me. I pointedly asked him why he never told me he loved me. He looked me directly in the eyes and told me he was a coward. Okay, that takes some balls to say that. Or alcohol. Either way, I give him props for finally admitting it.
Like the good
friend person I am, I steered the convo back to his issue. To help him, I asked if he thought this was “it”, it was over, for good. He said something about her taking her ring off and leaving it on the table (I think it was table?) was “like a line in the sand”. I asked if he was positive, and if he was sure he wasn’t being too hard on her, because there were plenty of times he did that to me – stubborn asshole because his feelings were hurt without communicating with her and talking things out. God, I’m such a good ex gf! Around 4AM he took his shirt and shorts off and asked if he could sleep over on my couch. Didn’t leave me much choice did ya? I said yes, gave him a pillow and blanket and offered to charge his phone bc I knew it was either dead or almost dead.
At 7:30AM I woke up to his phone vibrating the fuck out of my makeup table. Annoying. So I got up, peed, took him his phone and told him she had called several times. I think he peed and crawled in bed with me. We cuddled (hey, fuck off I’m human) and talked more about his situation. Definitely did not sleep together or make out, and he left.
We caught up later the following week and I told him I couldn’t be his friend. That was one of the things he mentioned in our convo at 3AM. I told him that he couldn’t look to me to be the first one he told about things, that’s what his fiance/wife/person is for. Not me. Whomever he decided to spend his life with needed to be that person, that I couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair to me. He sounded really sad and said he figured and understood. Super awkward hanging up. Hows that convo supposed to go? “Hi, I can’t be your friend or in your life, have a nice life!” Oh and I mentioned that I was really excited with the possibility of where things were going with this new(ish) guy. Side note: that only lasted a month. Leave it to me to get tired of someone after a month. Ha. In the words of Rihanna, “Didn’t they tell you I was a savage?”
After hanging up with M, I felt like he was wavering on getting back together with his ex. Whether or not he did, I have no idea. I just think that based on the little I know, the things he told me and him turning to me, means he’s not as “in it” as he thought he was. I also told him I found it puzzling that he would want closure with me after proposing to someone. #justsayin
So tonight I had a phone call with the medium I have seen before. Not for any particular reason. She actually brought M up though. She said I finally let go of that situation. It was not good for me. She said specific things, but I can’t remember them now. I’d have to go back and listen to the recording.
We talked about my dad, because we always do at some point. She said, you like butterflies don’t you? I laughed and was like yes. She said he sends me signs and sent me one in butterfly form recently. I laughed because he did. She said butterflies normally aren’t that clumsy, it was a sign. (I was at a friends pool sitting on the edge with her. A butterfly literally flew into my face. I pulled away like, wtf and asked her if she saw it. She said yea, its a sign from your dad. I was like I KNOW!) I told the medium I feel like my dad sends me signs a lot, mostly through songs. She said he did.
After our call, I went to the store, ate dinner, watched tv and gathered the materials I need to write an essay for a paper. I decided to put on some music and decided I wanted to hear Adele. I played most of the songs from her 21 album and sang along. 25 started playing after that and Hello came on. I just listened to it instead of singing along for some reason. The further into the song I had a lightbulb moment. I literally said out loud, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SOOOOOO US. Me and M. I originally thought that when I heard the song the firs time, but especially after hearing it after he and I talked in person. So crazy, this life.
You go listen to the song, reread what I said about our convo and tell me that shit doesn’t give you chills. #craycray
|May 29, 2016||Posted by V under M, tv|
Anyone that knows me knows that I am 100% obsessed with Jimmy Fallon. Because, well, perfection. I have always thought he was hot dating back to his SNL days. I decided to watch Fever Pitch tonight. Super cute movie and Jimmy is freaking adorable in it.
While watching it, the way he said something caught me off guard. The phrase, what ever it was, reminded me so much of M. Then of course I was like GD…UGGGHHHHH. That’s the last person I need to think about. I mean, after so long someone shouldn’t still consistently in your thoughts, right?? 🙁
Also, apparently I’ve had a type since 1998.
|November 27, 2014||Posted by V under change, loves it, M, marriage, music, sex, tv|
After watching Lorde perform this on the AMA’s I wanted to listen to it more. It found it’s way onto my playlist.
|January 13, 2014||Posted by V under advice, books, change, dating, friends, love, M|
Can a person be too positive? This conversation happened between myself and a friend earlier today. We were talking about heartache and how everything happens for a reason.
It’s so much easier to look back and think, yes that happened in order for ____ to happen. At the time, it sucked. I’d like to credit The Single Woman and just finishing her book for reiterating things I already knew. It sounds lame and cheesy, but sometimes you need the reminders.
|December 30, 2013||Posted by V under cray, dating, M, tv|
Over Christmas there wasn’t a lot on tv. One movie that I watched was The Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston. I was playing around on my Mac and half listening to the movie in the background. Towards the end one particular scene caught my eye….
Brooke: I just don’t know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I’ve cooked, I’ve picked your shit up off the floor, I’ve laid your clothes out for you like you’re a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don’t feel like you appreciate any of it. I don’t feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.
Gary: Why didn’t you just say that to me?
Brooke: I tried. I’ve tried.
Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I’m not a mind reader…
Brooke: It wouldn’t matter you are who you are. Just leave me alone ok? Right now, just shut my door.
Story. Of. My. Life. Holy balls. Also, this scene between Gary and his friend Johnny O.
Gary: I mean, what does she expect, for me to want to go [to the concert] with the girl who dumped me?
Johnny O: I don’t know. She probably just wanted you, you know, to show her the respect of not standing her up or some shit, who knows?
Gary: Well, damn it. I should have just said no in the first place. I don’t know why I called…
Johnny O: You know what? It’s her fault she got hurt. You shouldn’t even feel bad about it. She should have expected it from you. You’re a fun guy, okay? Everybody likes you. You’re the quickest guy I know. Anytime we go out, I have a blast. All right? But, you know, everybody who knows you knows you’re gonna do what you want to do. And if it’s not what the other person wants to do, well, that’s their problem.
Gary: That’s bullshit.
Johnny O: It’s not bullshit.
Gary: There’s plenty of times I do shit that I don’t want to do. That’s ridiculous. No. Like when? That’s bullshit to say about me.
Johnny O: When have we ever done something you didn’t want to do?
Gary: You know, I don’t know, off the top of my head. I don’t keep score…
Johnny O: When’s the last time we went to a Sox game? The Sox. Not when they’re playing the Cubs, either. We always do what you want to do and she always did what you want to do. It’s who you are. Everybody thinks that you’re their friend, okay? But the fact of the matter is that there’s not one person that I know that you trust enough to let close enough that they could hurt you. And her big problem is that you really liked her. I mean, she is the one girl you really liked. And no matter what she did and how hard she tried, you were never gonna let your guard down. That poor girl never stood a chance.
My entire relationship with M is summed up in those two scenes. My life is sad. 😛
|October 23, 2013||Posted by V under change, cocktails, friends, living life, M, work|
My 30th didn’t start out great.
Let me back up by saying that M accidentally emailed me Sept. 30. He sent a reminder for my birthday instead of an invitation when he set up his Google calendar. So, that was fun.
See, logically I shouldn’t think about him or talk about him or miss him. I do though. I find myself saying things like “well Matt used to do X that was so funny” or something like that. When I
tore him a new one emailed him around Easter, I purged everything. I was hurt to the core, and I let him know that. So why aren’t my head and heart on the same page?? That’s an excellent question. One I pray about daily.
I can deal with my feelings, but having him contact me is an entirely new level of confusing that I can’t wrap my head around. Of course all the old feelings came to surface, and I let him know. He said I mindfucked him. Because I woke up that morning knowing he’d email me..
As I was driving home from my picnic with the bestie for her birthday, I saw an email from him. My first thought was OMG STOP EMAILING ME REMINDERS!! Then I realized that it was an actual email he typed out. I read it, picked my place up a bit, got ready for bed, and then figured out my response. My response received no response, which I think hurt more than the initial email.
I woke up on my birthday confused and sad. As I was thinking about things tears streamed down my face and I began praying again. Why can he affect me this way? Why am I not over this already? What is the bigger picture here? What am I missing? PLEASE show me what all this means because I can’t take this back and forth limbo anymore. It’s very frustrating.
I started cleaning my place up for company arriving later and took things to storage. When I took a break from all the cleaning, tears streamed down my face again. You’re not supposed to cry on your birthday! I decided I would not let it get to me and it would not ruin my birthday, especially my 30th. I’d already had one ex ruin my 21st. I began cleaning again and around that time the bestie showed up. Thank God for that angel. She brought me a mini cake and some champagne for us to toast to. I gave her a hug after she put her stuff down and she told me NO TEARS! Not anymore. I love that she gets it. She gets the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the whole picture.
After the toast we got lunch, got a mani/pedi and our hair done. What a great way to spend your 30th. Being pampered with your best friend. After getting our hair done we headed to my place to get ready for the evening. I planned a small dinner with close friends, then dancing. I have never had so many people flake out of plans in my life.
I love birthdays, especially mine. I love all things that go with it, celebrating, cake, friends, dressing up, etc. I originally started out with 10 people coming to celebrate my birthday with me. Minutes before dinner, there were not 10 people. Maybe I should gift some Emily Post books for Christmas? It was actually me, Ashley and a guy she worked with that I’ve met once. Major props to him, he barely knew me. I had two more friends that joined me afterwards that couldn’t be there for dinner due to scheduling. Where the rest of my friends were, I don’t know. The people that knew it meant a lot to me showed up, and I truly appreciate that.
I just wanted to document my milestone birthday.. Here are some pictures from my bday.
My office sent me flowers on Friday. They care!
Saturday night. You can’t tell in this pic, but I figured my 30th was the perfect occasion to wear my Louboutins.
Making fun of Ashley for how she was posing in the first pic.
G and me
Me and Ash
Obligatory shot. Ugh, I’m so not a shot girl.
G, me, Ash and Laura
Blowing out my candle
I was taking a pic of Ash and my friend Nick photo bombed the pic. Hilarious.
Laughing with Laura
|October 11, 2013||Posted by V under advice, B, beauty, change, cray, dating, fam, friends, funny, health, living life, love, loves it, M, marriage, work|
My other half as in, the woman that is always there for me, even that one time when we didn’t talk for 2 years. Oopsies.
The woman that knows what I mean when I say “blood is not thicker than water”, because she has also been there, and doesn’t try to change my opinion.
The woman that understands and listens to me when I talk about my childhood relationship with my dad. How he
beat me was never the amazing father, how I always wanted that awesome father/daughter relationship, because her childhood was similar.
The woman that understands what it feels like to walk in on your bf/fiance cheating on you, because it happened to her, a year earlier, in the same house.
The woman that drove an hour to pick me up from said house, kicked her husband out of bed, and talked with me all night long and the next day because I called her in shock immediately after it happened.
The woman that you know any man would be lucky if she picks him because she loves sex, loves football, and is a strong independent woman, just like you.
The woman that you packed an entire house for because you knew she needed to move.
The woman that you thought was intimidating when you first met her.
The woman that you share every tiny detail with.
The woman that is inspiring because she seems like she can do everything.
The woman that is inspiring because she tries to do everything.
The woman that understands precisely what I mean when I say I hate my small town I’m from.
The woman that drives you crazy because she over analyzes things just as much as you do.
The woman that is a replica of you, just 3 years older and brunette.
The woman that has completely opposite taste in men from you.
The woman that tells you “we will make a plan” when you are freaking out because you are questioning so many things in your present life.
The woman that will drive 3 hours to be with you at your dad’s visitation because she knows what it’s like to lose a parent, but can’t actually come because she caught pink eye. ha!
The woman that will spend 9 hours with you, 6 of those in a car, helping you pack up your dad’s house.
The woman that will finish your sentences or say your thoughts out loud.
The woman that you know you can say anything to and vice versa because you both have each others best interests at heart.
The woman that knows what it’s like to have a crush on a co-worker.
The woman that completely understands my relationship with M because she has been there before.
The woman that Bentley feels comfortable around. If you know what a baby my dog is, this is huge.
The woman that currently will get all of my retirement money if anything happens to me before I marry.
The woman that will have a baby for me, if I decide to, because I don’t want to jack up my body and because I’m selfish.
The woman that understands how important it is to maintain yourself because she’s thinks so too.
The woman that supports and encourages you even though she may not agree with you, because that’s just what friends do.
The woman that I am lucky enough to call my best friend, which doesn’t seem to do justice to what she really means to me.
|June 12, 2013||Posted by V under books, cray, M|
Remember this post where I said I was obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey? When I wrote that I was still in the first book. Now that I am done with the third book, there are a lot of similarities between me and Ana and my ex and Christian. I don’t mean that he used to inflict pain on me when we were in the bed. Mostly just Christian’s issues.. Here are some quotes that hit too close to home. It’s like E.L. was a fly on the wall in my relationship. It’s unnerving.
He thinks I might leave if I know him. He thinks that I might leave if he’s himself. Oh, this man is so complicated.
|June 4, 2013||Posted by V under books, change, cray, dating, love, loves it, M|
Yes, I know. I’m probably the last person in the world to jump on the Grey bandwagon. My friend loaned me these books in December and I finally decided the summer was a great time to read them. What else will I do besides drink at the pool on my free Saturdays?
I ran errands ALL day Sunday. Literally from 2PM – 8PM. I had to unload groceries and other items and clean a little. Finally around 11 I decided to just open the book. I figured I would just read the first two chapters. Around 3:20AM I finally put the book down. Page. Turner. That my friends (that haven’t read it) is an understatement.
I am officially obsessed with this book. I am over half way through with the first. Yesterday at work, it was all I could think about. I had to go home at lunch! I was chatting with a friend of mine, and we both agreed that it was a life-changer book.
I’ve had the passion with an ex that is in this book, but not quite to the extent that they have it. It does make me wonder if I’ll ever have that kind of passion again. There were a lot of things wrong with that relationship (that’s another post for another day) but ultimately I know that real love will trump that relationship ten fold.
With paragraphs like this, how can you not love the book? This isn’t even the rest of this particular occurrence! For you non Grey people, this is actually the first time they have any physical contact.
I’m so obsessed with this book I’ve even started deciding on who I think should be cast in the movie. ha! Here are some of my choices.
What we know about her: She’s about to graduate college, she has fair skin and brown hair, doesn’t wear makeup, wears mostly jeans and Converse, beautiful, innocent but seductive, doe-like eyes, virgin.
|December 30, 2012||Posted by V under change, cocktails, food, friends, love, loves it, M, new ish, pampering|
Hey guys! I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Mine was nice and relaxing. I baked a ton of goodies for a few friends and mostly relaxed. Here are the cookies I made.
Soft almond sugar cookies via
Pudding Cookies via
White chocolate topped gingerbread cookies via
Christmas meltaways via
For the BF I made whiskey salted caramels via
Everyone loved the cookies and caramels! I took a few of each to work because I had a lot left over, even after I sampled each. One note on the pudding cookies – that recipe will make about 5-6 batches. I highly recommend either freezing half or cutting the recipe in half.
Along with all the baked goods the presents I got for each friend I decided to wrap with some good old Pinterest inspiration.
Most of my packages looked like this..
via I changed this version up by using brown paper packaging and red ribbon. The custom made initial cards turned out really cute!
On Friday the BF and I had our Christmas. The original plan was to meet up and exchange gifts and have dinner. He surprised me with a text earlier that day asking if I wanted to get a hotel room for the night. UM YES! YES I DO!! I met him at the hotel around 8 and he had champagne, my favorite flowers, and caramel truffles waiting for me. SO SWEET!!!! I was blown away. I’m one of those girls that loves romance and sweet gestures, so he definitely earned a ton of points with this one.
We exchanged gifts, ordered room service, had great conversation and even took advantage of the huge tub and shower. It was such a nice stay-cation. I am such a lucky girl!! So blessed.