Category: M

Three Ohhh

My 30th didn’t start out great.

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Let me back up by saying that M accidentally emailed me Sept. 30. He sent a reminder for my birthday instead of an invitation when he set up his Google calendar.  So, that was fun.

See, logically I shouldn’t think about him or talk about him or miss him. I do though. I find myself saying things like “well Matt used to do X that was so funny” or something like that. When I tore him a new one emailed him around Easter, I purged everything. I was hurt to the core, and I let him know that. So why aren’t my head and heart on the same page?? That’s an excellent question. One I pray about daily.

I can deal with my feelings, but having him contact me is an entirely new level of confusing that I can’t wrap my head around. Of course all the old feelings came to surface, and I let him know. He said I mindfucked him. Because I woke up that morning knowing he’d email me..

As I was driving home from my picnic with the bestie for her birthday, I saw an email from him. My first thought was OMG STOP EMAILING ME REMINDERS!! Then I realized that it was an actual email he typed out. I read it, picked my place up a bit, got ready for bed, and then figured out my response. My response received no response, which I think hurt more than the initial email.

I woke up on my birthday confused and sad. As I was thinking about things tears streamed down my face and I began praying again. Why can he affect me this way? Why am I not over this already? What is the bigger picture here? What am I missing? PLEASE show me what all this means because I can’t take this back and forth limbo anymore. It’s very frustrating.

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I started cleaning my place up for company arriving later and took things to storage. When I took a break from all the cleaning, tears streamed down my face again. You’re not supposed to cry on your birthday! I decided I would not let it get to me and it would not ruin my birthday, especially my 30th. I’d already had one ex ruin my 21st. I began cleaning again and around that time the bestie showed up. Thank God for that angel. She brought me a mini cake and some champagne for us to toast to. I gave her a hug after she put her stuff down and she told me NO TEARS! Not anymore. I love that she gets it. She gets the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the whole picture.

After the toast we got lunch, got a mani/pedi and our hair done. What a great way to spend your 30th. Being pampered with your best friend. After getting our hair done we headed to my place to get ready for the evening. I planned a small dinner with close friends, then dancing. I have never had so many people flake out of plans in my life.

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The older I get, the more I realize who I can and cannot count on to be there for me. In the past I have allowed myself to become upset when I realized I couldn’t count on someone. I’m not sure if it’s an age thing or everything I have been through in the last year, but recently I have had the whatever attitude towards people when I realize that I can’t count on them. I tend to hold my friends to high standards. Maybe those standards aren’t necessarily fair to hold people to. Because of these high standards, I have been able to weed out the people that I don’t need in my life. I recall a convo between M and I from years ago.. He said he always thought he was a good friend, but since knowing me, he realized I was a GREAT friend to my friends and that he could be a better friend. I pride myself on that. If we have a connection and you need me, for something big or small, I am there. What ever gene that is, I’m glad I have it. I think it makes me a better person.
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I love birthdays, especially mine. I love all things that go with it, celebrating, cake, friends, dressing up, etc. I originally started out with 10 people coming to celebrate my birthday  with me. Minutes before dinner, there were not 10 people. Maybe I should gift some Emily Post books for Christmas? It was actually me, Ashley and a guy she worked with that I’ve met once. Major props to him, he barely knew me. I had two more friends that joined me afterwards that couldn’t be there for dinner due to scheduling. Where the rest of my friends were, I don’t know. The people that knew it meant a lot to me showed up, and I truly appreciate that.

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I just wanted to document my milestone birthday.. Here are some pictures from my bday.

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My office sent me flowers on Friday. They care!

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Saturday night. You can’t tell in this pic, but I figured my 30th was the perfect occasion to wear my Louboutins.

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Making fun of Ashley for how she was posing in the first pic.

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G and me

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Me and Ash

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Obligatory shot. Ugh, I’m so not a shot girl.

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G, me, Ash and Laura

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cake!

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Blowing out my candle

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I was taking a pic of Ash and my friend Nick photo bombed the pic. Hilarious.

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Laughing with Laura

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Hilarity

50 Shades Too Close

Remember this post where I said I was obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey? When I wrote that I was still in the first book. Now that I am done with the third book, there are a lot of similarities between me and Ana and my ex and Christian. I don’t mean that he used to inflict pain on me when we were in the bed. Mostly just Christian’s issues.. Here are some quotes that hit too close to home. It’s like E.L. was a fly on the wall in my relationship. It’s unnerving.

He thinks I might leave if I know him. He thinks that I might leave if he’s himself. Oh, this man is so complicated.  

“Okay,” I mumble, completely bemused, bewildered, and shell-shocked. He leans over my desk. What now? I am caught in his hypnotic gaze. “Love doing business with you, Mrs. Grey.” He leans in closer as I sit paralyzed, and he plants a soft tender kiss on my lips. “Laters baby,” he murmurs. He stands abruptly, winks at me, and leaves. I lay my head on my desk, feeling like I’ve been run over by a freight train – the freight train that is my beloved husband. He has to be the most frustrating, annoying, contrary man on the planet. I sit up and frantically rub my eyes. What have I just agreed to? 
Can I see him again? Could I bear it? Do I want to see him? I close my eyes and tilt my head back as grief and longing lance through me. Of course I do. Perhaps-perhaps I can tell him I’ve changed my mind … No, no, no. I cannot be with someone who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on me, someone who can’t love me. Torturous memories flash through my mind-the gliding, holding hands, kissing, the bathtub, his gentleness, his humor, and his dark, brooding, sexy stare. I miss him. It’s been five days, five days of agony that has felt like an eternity. I cry myself to sleep at night, wishing I hadn’t walked out, wishing that he could be different, wishing that we were together. How long will this hideous overwhelming feeling last? I am in purgatory. I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together. I miss him. I really miss him…I love him. Simple.
I should run, but I can’t. I’m drawn to him on some deep, elemental level that I can’t begin to understand.
 
I shrug, trapped. I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now. It’s a thrill to be sitting here beside him. He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods… oh – and he wants to hurt me. He says he’ll think about my reservations, but it still scares me. I close my eyes. What can I say? Deep down I would just like more, more affection, more playful Christian, more… love.
 
We’re coming near to the end of the bridge, and the road is once more bathed in the neon light of the street lamps so his face is intermittently in the light and the dark. And it’s such a fitting metaphor. This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight—or the dark knight, as he said. He’s not a hero; he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into the light?
 
I raise my eyebrows. “You’re going to settle for plain old vanilla?” He cocks his head to one side. “Nothing plain or old about vanilla – it’s a very intriguing flavor,” he breathes.
What does Christian know about love? Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother’s words waft like a zephyr through my mind: Yes, Ana. Hell, what do you need? A neon sign flashing on his forehead? She thinks Christian loves me, but then she’s my mother, of course she’d think that. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It’s true, and in a moment of startling clarity, I see it. It’s very simple; I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me. This is why I am so reticent about our relationship – because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.
 
He gazes down at me, his eyes wide and panicked, and all we can hear is the steady stream of water as it flows over us in the shower. “You love me,” I whisper. His eyes widen further and his mouth opens. He takes a huge breath, as if winded. He looks tortured-vulnerable. “Yes,” he whispers. “I do.”
 
The sex is amazing, he’s wealthy, he’s beautiful, but this is all meaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don’t know if he’s capable of love. He doesn’t even love himself. I recall his self-loathing..
 
Pursing my lips, I strive to appear unaffected by his touch. He is so artful at diverting me from anything painful, or anything he doesn’t want to address. And you let him, my subconscious pipes up unhelpfully, gazing over her copy of Jane Eyre.

Christmas

Hey guys! I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Mine was nice and relaxing. I baked a ton of goodies for a few friends and mostly relaxed. Here are the cookies I made.

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Soft almond sugar cookies via

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Pudding Cookies via

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White chocolate topped gingerbread cookies via

and

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Christmas meltaways via

For the BF I made whiskey salted caramels via

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Everyone loved the cookies and caramels! I took a few of each to work because I had a lot left over, even after I sampled each. One note on the pudding cookies – that recipe will make about 5-6 batches. I highly recommend either freezing half or cutting the recipe in half.

Along with all the baked goods the presents I got for each friend I decided to wrap with some good old Pinterest inspiration.

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Most of my packages looked like this..

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via I changed this version up by using brown paper packaging and red ribbon. The custom made initial cards turned out really cute!

On Friday the BF and I had our Christmas. The original plan was to meet up and exchange gifts and have dinner. He surprised me with a text earlier that day asking if I wanted to get a hotel room for the night. UM YES! YES I DO!! I met him at the hotel around 8 and he had champagne, my favorite flowers, and caramel truffles waiting for me. SO SWEET!!!! I was blown away. I’m one of those girls that loves romance and sweet gestures, so he definitely earned a ton of points with this one.

We exchanged gifts, ordered room service, had great conversation and even took advantage of the huge tub and shower. It was such a nice stay-cation. I am such a lucky girl!! So blessed.