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Those of you that followed my other blog {that I no longer use} know that my sister and I are not close with our dad. My parents separated when I was in second grade. My dad let his temper get out of control one night, and to make a long story short, his actions are what caused the divorce.

I will say that my dad is number 9 of 10 kids. His father died when he was little and from what I’ve been told, his mother would beat them. I do remember being scared of her when she came to visit. She was mean. I do think that how you are raised helps mold you into who you become as an adult. However, I think that based off your surroundings, you can decide if you like who you are or not. Hopefully that makes sense.

In August of 2011 my sister and I found out my dad had lung cancer. To be honest it wasn’t much of a surprise, he has smoked since he was at least 15. It was in his left lung. He went through radiation therapy and chemo treatments.

Around Christmas based off his behavior we thought he was dying. He asked us to spend the night with him, something that hadn’t been asked or discussed since we were very young. Not only was he weak, he was very frail. I’ve always heard that dogs can sense things like death, and my dog was attached to my dad. Very unusual for him because he has only been around my dad a handful of times and never showed interest towards him.


After Christmas my sister and I mentally prepared ourselves {as much as we could} for his death. I talked to him about making a will and stressed the importance of it. I’m not sure of the timing, but after the new year we learned that he was in remission and doing well. We had built a small foundation with him and there were little glimpses of him being the father I always wanted.

My dad is horrible at communication. If you do not call him, he won’t call you. With that said, since he was never a doting father, we rarely talked. A good two months went by without talking to him. I partly avoided it, but I was also focused on a few other things.

On Father’s Day I called him to make sure he got our card. He told me that his lung cancer was back. It’s in the same lung, different spot. Again, not too surprising to me because he was smoking at Christmas.

He called me yesterday and told me more bad news. When he had cancer the first time he complained of his back hurting badly. We urged him to get it checked out on several occasions. When I talked to him yesterday he told me that he has spinal cancer. It’s on his spine and not spinal cord, otherwise he would be paralyzed. He also apparently has gallstones. The hits just keep coming.

He talked with me about going to church, my sister and I both finding a good man, work, etc. I hate that so many years have gone by and he’s never been a father until now. That’s probably stretching it, but he is trying.

I’m not really sure how I feel about all of it. It makes me sad, but a part of me …I’m not going to say that I don’t care, because I do… I’m not even sure how to word how I feel. It’s very difficult.

That’s all I know for now…

One Response to Cancer

  1. my heart truly breaks for you. for him. for a relationship that you both have missed out on all these years. life is entirely too short, and we are reminded of this more and more every day. make the rest of his days with you count.

    i love you.

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