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Hello From the Outside

Holy fucking shit. I think I wrote about Adele’s “Hello” when it first came out.

July 8th I was checking my VM. My ENT’s office called and left me a VM. Apparently even if you block a number they can still leave you a VM. So I saw “Blocked Messages    1 >”. I have very few numbers blocked; I think only random people I’m too stupid to give a fake number to, and M. Upon seeing the number, I knew it was from M. He called June 18 at 9:17AM. The day before Father’s Day was the first thing that stuck out in my head, not sure why. There was nothing to the VM, just a tv in the background, and then breathing right before hanging up. Obvi it wasn’t a pocket dial, even though he would later claim it was. I don’t think so, bud. Its virtually impossible to do that nowadays.

I brought up returning his call to one of my GFs and she suggested I reach out and see what it was about. Natch, I did because, have you met met? The most curious person, almost, ever. He was shocked to say the least. We “caught up”. What you can catch someone up on in your life when you haven’t talked in over a year. I think he told me he would call me later to catch up.. Somehow I knew he’d call me back after his dinner. He did and we “caught up” more. He told me there were a few things he wanted to tell me. I knew exactly what that meant. I was very blunt the last time we talked/I texted him. I believe before we hung up he said he’d call later in the week. Obvi that didn’t happen.

I actually reconnected with a guy 2 days later. So random. Then the anniversary of my dad’s passing day came. He finally called one Sunday morning either at the end of that week or the following, at 1AMish. I was cleaning out my closet (hello irony) and texting with the boy and an old coworker. I decided to answer. I could tell by his voice something wasn’t quite right. He asked me to pick him up and my first thought was, oh fuck, he’s in jail.” Nope, just at a bar?! He said he needed a friend, and I’m a sucker, so I picked him up, and he knew I would because I’m such a great friend/person.

On the ride to my place (not many places are open at 1:45AM) I was asking WTF was happening, why he needed a friend, etc. And he bombs me with he was engaged and he/she/they called it off on Saturday. Insert my calm face on the outside, and my WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHY THE FUCK AM I THE PICK ME UP CALL?! Yes those are not complete sentences because my brain was all over the place.

So we talked it out, what little he wanted to talk out. Which consisted of him mostly wanting to hear about me and what was going on in my life.

He did tell me a few things I needed to hear for “closure”. Like how he regretted several things, like never telling me he loved me, not being there for me for my dad’s death, etc. My favorite i think, was that I was the best sex he’d ever had. hahahahaha DUH. Because you actually fell for me. I pointedly asked him why he never told me he loved me. He looked me directly in the eyes and told me he was a coward. Okay, that takes some balls to say that. Or alcohol. Either way, I give him props for finally admitting it.

Like the good friend person I am, I steered the convo back to his issue. To help him, I asked if he thought this was “it”, it was over, for good. He said something about her taking her ring off and leaving it on the table (I think it was table?) was “like a line in the sand”. I asked if he was positive, and if he was sure he wasn’t being too hard on her, because there were plenty of times he did that to me – stubborn asshole because his feelings were hurt without communicating with her and talking things out. God, I’m such a good ex gf! Around 4AM he took his shirt and shorts off and asked if he could sleep over on my couch. Didn’t leave me much choice did ya? I said yes, gave him a pillow and blanket and offered to charge his phone bc I knew it was either dead or almost dead.

At 7:30AM I woke up to his phone vibrating the fuck out of my makeup table. Annoying. So I got up, peed, took him his phone and told him she had called several times. I think he peed and crawled in bed with me. We cuddled (hey, fuck off I’m human) and talked more about his situation. Definitely did not sleep together or make out, and he left.

We caught up later the following week and I told him I couldn’t be his friend. That was one of the things he mentioned in our convo at 3AM. I told him that he couldn’t look to me to be the first one he told about things, that’s what his fiance/wife/person is for. Not me. Whomever he decided to spend his life with needed to be that person, that I couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair to me. He sounded really sad and said he figured and understood. Super awkward hanging up. Hows that convo supposed to go? “Hi, I can’t be your friend or in your life, have a nice life!” Oh and I mentioned that I was really excited with the possibility of where things were going with this new(ish) guy. Side note: that only lasted a month. Leave it to me to get tired of someone after a month. Ha. In the words of Rihanna, “Didn’t they tell you I was a savage?”

After hanging up with M, I felt like he was wavering on getting back together with his ex. Whether or not he did, I have no idea. I just think that based on the little I know, the things he told me and him turning to me, means he’s not as “in it” as he thought he was. I also told him I found it puzzling that he would want closure with me after proposing to someone. #justsayin

So tonight I had a phone call with the medium I have seen before. Not for any particular reason. She actually brought M up though. She said I finally let go of that situation. It was not good for me. She said specific things, but I can’t remember them now. I’d have to go back and listen to the recording.

We talked about my dad, because we always do at some point. She said, you like butterflies don’t you? I laughed and was like yes. She said he sends me signs and sent me one in butterfly form recently. I laughed because he did. She said butterflies normally aren’t that clumsy, it was a sign. (I was at a friends pool sitting on the edge with her. A butterfly literally flew into my face. I pulled away like, wtf and asked her if she saw it. She said yea, its a sign from your dad. I was like I KNOW!) I told the medium I feel like my dad sends me signs a lot, mostly through songs. She said he did.

After our call, I went to the store, ate dinner, watched tv and gathered the materials I need to write an essay for a paper. I decided to put on some music and decided I wanted to hear Adele. I played most of the songs from her 21 album and sang along. 25 started playing after that and Hello came on. I just listened to it instead of singing along for some reason. The further into the song I had a lightbulb moment. I literally said out loud, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SOOOOOO US. Me and M. I originally thought that when I heard the song the firs time, but especially after hearing it after he and I talked in person. So crazy, this life.

You go listen to the song, reread what I said about our convo and tell me that shit doesn’t give you chills. #craycray

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