|October 23, 2013||Posted by V under change, cocktails, friends, living life, M, work|
My 30th didn’t start out great.
Let me back up by saying that M accidentally emailed me Sept. 30. He sent a reminder for my birthday instead of an invitation when he set up his Google calendar. So, that was fun.
See, logically I shouldn’t think about him or talk about him or miss him. I do though. I find myself saying things like “well Matt used to do X that was so funny” or something like that. When I
tore him a new one emailed him around Easter, I purged everything. I was hurt to the core, and I let him know that. So why aren’t my head and heart on the same page?? That’s an excellent question. One I pray about daily.
I can deal with my feelings, but having him contact me is an entirely new level of confusing that I can’t wrap my head around. Of course all the old feelings came to surface, and I let him know. He said I mindfucked him. Because I woke up that morning knowing he’d email me..
As I was driving home from my picnic with the bestie for her birthday, I saw an email from him. My first thought was OMG STOP EMAILING ME REMINDERS!! Then I realized that it was an actual email he typed out. I read it, picked my place up a bit, got ready for bed, and then figured out my response. My response received no response, which I think hurt more than the initial email.
I woke up on my birthday confused and sad. As I was thinking about things tears streamed down my face and I began praying again. Why can he affect me this way? Why am I not over this already? What is the bigger picture here? What am I missing? PLEASE show me what all this means because I can’t take this back and forth limbo anymore. It’s very frustrating.
I started cleaning my place up for company arriving later and took things to storage. When I took a break from all the cleaning, tears streamed down my face again. You’re not supposed to cry on your birthday! I decided I would not let it get to me and it would not ruin my birthday, especially my 30th. I’d already had one ex ruin my 21st. I began cleaning again and around that time the bestie showed up. Thank God for that angel. She brought me a mini cake and some champagne for us to toast to. I gave her a hug after she put her stuff down and she told me NO TEARS! Not anymore. I love that she gets it. She gets the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the whole picture.
After the toast we got lunch, got a mani/pedi and our hair done. What a great way to spend your 30th. Being pampered with your best friend. After getting our hair done we headed to my place to get ready for the evening. I planned a small dinner with close friends, then dancing. I have never had so many people flake out of plans in my life.
I love birthdays, especially mine. I love all things that go with it, celebrating, cake, friends, dressing up, etc. I originally started out with 10 people coming to celebrate my birthday with me. Minutes before dinner, there were not 10 people. Maybe I should gift some Emily Post books for Christmas? It was actually me, Ashley and a guy she worked with that I’ve met once. Major props to him, he barely knew me. I had two more friends that joined me afterwards that couldn’t be there for dinner due to scheduling. Where the rest of my friends were, I don’t know. The people that knew it meant a lot to me showed up, and I truly appreciate that.
I just wanted to document my milestone birthday.. Here are some pictures from my bday.
My office sent me flowers on Friday. They care!
Saturday night. You can’t tell in this pic, but I figured my 30th was the perfect occasion to wear my Louboutins.
Making fun of Ashley for how she was posing in the first pic.
G and me
Me and Ash
Obligatory shot. Ugh, I’m so not a shot girl.
G, me, Ash and Laura
Blowing out my candle
I was taking a pic of Ash and my friend Nick photo bombed the pic. Hilarious.
Laughing with Laura