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Three Ohhh

My 30th didn’t start out great.

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Let me back up by saying that M accidentally emailed me Sept. 30. He sent a reminder for my birthday instead of an invitation when he set up his Google calendar.  So, that was fun.

See, logically I shouldn’t think about him or talk about him or miss him. I do though. I find myself saying things like “well Matt used to do X that was so funny” or something like that. When I tore him a new one emailed him around Easter, I purged everything. I was hurt to the core, and I let him know that. So why aren’t my head and heart on the same page?? That’s an excellent question. One I pray about daily.

I can deal with my feelings, but having him contact me is an entirely new level of confusing that I can’t wrap my head around. Of course all the old feelings came to surface, and I let him know. He said I mindfucked him. Because I woke up that morning knowing he’d email me..

As I was driving home from my picnic with the bestie for her birthday, I saw an email from him. My first thought was OMG STOP EMAILING ME REMINDERS!! Then I realized that it was an actual email he typed out. I read it, picked my place up a bit, got ready for bed, and then figured out my response. My response received no response, which I think hurt more than the initial email.

I woke up on my birthday confused and sad. As I was thinking about things tears streamed down my face and I began praying again. Why can he affect me this way? Why am I not over this already? What is the bigger picture here? What am I missing? PLEASE show me what all this means because I can’t take this back and forth limbo anymore. It’s very frustrating.

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I started cleaning my place up for company arriving later and took things to storage. When I took a break from all the cleaning, tears streamed down my face again. You’re not supposed to cry on your birthday! I decided I would not let it get to me and it would not ruin my birthday, especially my 30th. I’d already had one ex ruin my 21st. I began cleaning again and around that time the bestie showed up. Thank God for that angel. She brought me a mini cake and some champagne for us to toast to. I gave her a hug after she put her stuff down and she told me NO TEARS! Not anymore. I love that she gets it. She gets the tears, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the whole picture.

After the toast we got lunch, got a mani/pedi and our hair done. What a great way to spend your 30th. Being pampered with your best friend. After getting our hair done we headed to my place to get ready for the evening. I planned a small dinner with close friends, then dancing. I have never had so many people flake out of plans in my life.

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The older I get, the more I realize who I can and cannot count on to be there for me. In the past I have allowed myself to become upset when I realized I couldn’t count on someone. I’m not sure if it’s an age thing or everything I have been through in the last year, but recently I have had the whatever attitude towards people when I realize that I can’t count on them. I tend to hold my friends to high standards. Maybe those standards aren’t necessarily fair to hold people to. Because of these high standards, I have been able to weed out the people that I don’t need in my life. I recall a convo between M and I from years ago.. He said he always thought he was a good friend, but since knowing me, he realized I was a GREAT friend to my friends and that he could be a better friend. I pride myself on that. If we have a connection and you need me, for something big or small, I am there. What ever gene that is, I’m glad I have it. I think it makes me a better person.
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I love birthdays, especially mine. I love all things that go with it, celebrating, cake, friends, dressing up, etc. I originally started out with 10 people coming to celebrate my birthday  with me. Minutes before dinner, there were not 10 people. Maybe I should gift some Emily Post books for Christmas? It was actually me, Ashley and a guy she worked with that I’ve met once. Major props to him, he barely knew me. I had two more friends that joined me afterwards that couldn’t be there for dinner due to scheduling. Where the rest of my friends were, I don’t know. The people that knew it meant a lot to me showed up, and I truly appreciate that.

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I just wanted to document my milestone birthday.. Here are some pictures from my bday.

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My office sent me flowers on Friday. They care!

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Saturday night. You can’t tell in this pic, but I figured my 30th was the perfect occasion to wear my Louboutins.

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Making fun of Ashley for how she was posing in the first pic.

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G and me

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Me and Ash

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Obligatory shot. Ugh, I’m so not a shot girl.

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G, me, Ash and Laura

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cake!

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Blowing out my candle

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I was taking a pic of Ash and my friend Nick photo bombed the pic. Hilarious.

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Laughing with Laura

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Hilarity

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